Christmas was a good one :-)
Christmas dinner was nice (thankyou Aldi), pork and turkey breast this year, no brussels but leafy green cabbage and cauli (lovely), crispy potatoes and stuffing and a gorgeous chocolate cake for pudding. I was joined by my youngest daughter and her boyfriend and in the evening I went to my friend (who is also single) and we played Risk with her young daughter and ate sausage rolls and drank tea. We also watched Call the Midwife, which we love, working for midwifery services as we do.
My oldest daughter is staying here for a few days, which is brilliant and it's so nice to have a tea drinking companion. We have had a total duvet day today, watching movies and just being together. We have picked and nibbled and taken turns in the tea making and tomorrow we are going for a mooch down the town.
Having sort help for my depression, I am told by the mental health team that they cannot offer me any counselling sessions at this time, but that some may become available in the new year, so I remain hopeful that something will come along soon.
Generally I am feeling quite cheerful although I am in constant pain with my hip. Again I am waiting for physiotherapy from Medway, it could quite literally be months. I have a trapped nerve behind a slight dislocation so I have constant sciatica and some weakness in the whole leg. (I sound like my mother going on about my ailments) I am going to start swimming again as I think this will give me some relief.
I cannot wait until spring and for my growing season to begin again. I learned a lot from last years efforts and know exactly what I shall be planting this year, but after the strong winds and torrential rain of recent weeks, I have some serious tidying to do but it will all get done in good time.
No sign from D, no merry Christmas and I guess no Birthday wishes will come either. I am not as sad as I was, I am reaching acceptance and I know it's the best thing for me.
One foot in front of the other and one day at a time...that is the way to go. No thoughts of dating, just home, work, kids and trying to save money...that is enough for now.
Friday, 27 December 2013
Saturday, 7 December 2013
Before I am done...
October was the lowest low of the year. My depression and anxiety was off the chart and required a visit to A&E, I stopped talking to my parents and brother and sister because of family stress I couldn't cope with, my frugal living attempts crashed and burned and my weight was out of control. Add to that an increasing work load and suicidal thoughts and before I knew it...CAR CRASH (not literally).
I took myself in hand and wrote down a list of improvements that needed to be undertaken. The need to change was crucial because I was very close to the edge and still feel like that on some days.
The things I decided to change were:
To stop trying so hard to see and keep touch with my family (not including my children). I have spent years visiting, calling, helping, fitting in with their lives all in the name of maintaining some sort of familial connection. What I got back was very little, just a few empty promises and some rather disturbing and negative statements. I have lived where I live for 5 years and the amount of times my family have visited collectively comes to less than 10 times. The amount of times I have gone to them and miles racked up...well I lost count. My family are business orientated, money makers, busy, distracted, peripheral. You have to fit in around them and their money making pursuits. They do not give undivided attention or one to one...you just have to go along and hang on the edge to get any kind of family fix.
We have tried the Christmas get togethers in the past and they are stressful miserable affairs because my parents hate Christmas...they always did. Efforts were made when we were small but as soon as it could all be shaken off and everyone could be holed up in their own burrow, Christmas was pretty much written off. Presents came in the form of cheques in envelopes, Christmas trees were an inconvienience and the thought of making merry together had scorn poured on it in abundance.
I was amused when I visited my Aunt and uncle recently. My Aunt was looking for special chocolates on the internet and I asked her what for. She told me that they were a special item on my cousins Christmas list. My cousin is 46!! I was just amazed that my Aunt and Uncle still gathered Christmas lists from their children and Grandchildren and painstakingly went to a great effort to find
the desired items!!. We arn't talking cars and jewels here, just special little requests that could be wrapped and enjoyed with a gathering of family...it was a joy to hear tinged with bitterness at my own family lack of caring.
Another change I have made is to switch to a High fat low carb diet. It has taken weeks of reading and studying and the weight loss has been slow because the diet is very restricted, but the health benefits have been good and my energy has been restored.
Another change was to rid myself of D.
D is someone I have known for several years and with whom I have been in love with and intimate for as long. I have broken my heart many times over him and nothing has ever come of it. He would never quite let me go and I have wasted good years pushing away other men who have come into my life because I always thought he would be the one...he sadly wasn't and after recent contact with him, I decided that things would never be and so made the decision to let go. People ask if we could have stayed friends, but it is not possible to stay friends with someone you deeply love and watch them go off with someone else.
I am in pain over the final goodbye, made much worse by my recent horrific depressed state, but I know, give time, it will pass and my heart will let go. Too many tears have been shed already.
I don't really know where my life is going at the moment, I am luckier than most but, as always, there are thorns. Work is busier than ever but I have friends there (despite telling myself every day how useless and invisible I am...I know there are people there who care about me).
I don't know how life will go now I have no extended family. I neither want it fixed or unfixed...it's just a big plate of nothing...just like I am to them...nothing.
On 20th December I have a psychiatric assesment as I want to try and untangle my life. I want to know how to cope when I am standing at 3am in the full midst of a terrifying nightmare with a rope in my hand. I want to know how it came to this.
I do not tell anyone because I know nobody cares or understands...it is my problem and only I can make it better.
I want to find some peace and happiness before I am done.
I took myself in hand and wrote down a list of improvements that needed to be undertaken. The need to change was crucial because I was very close to the edge and still feel like that on some days.
The things I decided to change were:
To stop trying so hard to see and keep touch with my family (not including my children). I have spent years visiting, calling, helping, fitting in with their lives all in the name of maintaining some sort of familial connection. What I got back was very little, just a few empty promises and some rather disturbing and negative statements. I have lived where I live for 5 years and the amount of times my family have visited collectively comes to less than 10 times. The amount of times I have gone to them and miles racked up...well I lost count. My family are business orientated, money makers, busy, distracted, peripheral. You have to fit in around them and their money making pursuits. They do not give undivided attention or one to one...you just have to go along and hang on the edge to get any kind of family fix.
We have tried the Christmas get togethers in the past and they are stressful miserable affairs because my parents hate Christmas...they always did. Efforts were made when we were small but as soon as it could all be shaken off and everyone could be holed up in their own burrow, Christmas was pretty much written off. Presents came in the form of cheques in envelopes, Christmas trees were an inconvienience and the thought of making merry together had scorn poured on it in abundance.
I was amused when I visited my Aunt and uncle recently. My Aunt was looking for special chocolates on the internet and I asked her what for. She told me that they were a special item on my cousins Christmas list. My cousin is 46!! I was just amazed that my Aunt and Uncle still gathered Christmas lists from their children and Grandchildren and painstakingly went to a great effort to find
the desired items!!. We arn't talking cars and jewels here, just special little requests that could be wrapped and enjoyed with a gathering of family...it was a joy to hear tinged with bitterness at my own family lack of caring.
Another change I have made is to switch to a High fat low carb diet. It has taken weeks of reading and studying and the weight loss has been slow because the diet is very restricted, but the health benefits have been good and my energy has been restored.
Another change was to rid myself of D.
D is someone I have known for several years and with whom I have been in love with and intimate for as long. I have broken my heart many times over him and nothing has ever come of it. He would never quite let me go and I have wasted good years pushing away other men who have come into my life because I always thought he would be the one...he sadly wasn't and after recent contact with him, I decided that things would never be and so made the decision to let go. People ask if we could have stayed friends, but it is not possible to stay friends with someone you deeply love and watch them go off with someone else.
I am in pain over the final goodbye, made much worse by my recent horrific depressed state, but I know, give time, it will pass and my heart will let go. Too many tears have been shed already.
I don't really know where my life is going at the moment, I am luckier than most but, as always, there are thorns. Work is busier than ever but I have friends there (despite telling myself every day how useless and invisible I am...I know there are people there who care about me).
I don't know how life will go now I have no extended family. I neither want it fixed or unfixed...it's just a big plate of nothing...just like I am to them...nothing.
On 20th December I have a psychiatric assesment as I want to try and untangle my life. I want to know how to cope when I am standing at 3am in the full midst of a terrifying nightmare with a rope in my hand. I want to know how it came to this.
I do not tell anyone because I know nobody cares or understands...it is my problem and only I can make it better.
I want to find some peace and happiness before I am done.
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