I have a week off work and the weather is beautiful. It's not possible to not be lifted by the warm morning sun and the birds singing.
I sat with my coffee amongst my newly planted vegetables and meditated for half an hour, it was peaceful. This week will be dedicated to the garden and decorating the back bedroom. I have a tiny courtyard garden on two levels with no grass or soil so I plant everything in pots and troughs. It is one of the rare things that absolutely fills me with joy to see everything growing all higgledy piggledy with beans and cabbages and tomatoes enjoying the mild weather along with potates, courgettes and lettuce. I had a pretty good growing season last year and learned a lot about what will grown well in such a tiny space with restricted light. My garden is over shadowed by an enourmous ash tree so the sun is only intense in the morning and the late afternoon, but this probably serves the garden well and stops the plants getting scorched!
I do not grow massive amounts, no great sweeping rows of plenty. I just grow a little of everything, enough to supplement my own needs and maybe a few tomatoes and chillis shared with the neighbours...it's not about the food, it's the act of growing and watching something thrive. Just sitting with the veg becomes a very peaceful and fulfilling activity which I enjoy and find very healing.
I have been attending therapy and I think I am getting past the emotional, outpouring stage. The main problem of my family will never be resolved because, with regard to eachother, they cannot change and neither can I. I can only change how I feel about myself coping with their absence and the fact that they are not perfect and neither am I. There has been no contact but the more I think about it, I think this is what I needed to be completely free to focus on my inner self.
I don't discuss with anyone else because they are private matters pertaining only to me and I do not wish to burden others with something only I can fix...the journey continues and my black thoughts are still there, but I am learning to live with them and accept that they are a part of myself.
Today I am going to see a friend and we are going to clear some space in her garden and build a chicken coop. I am looking foward to being able to help care for the chickens and learn about how to look after them properly. We will share the cost of the food/vet bills and also share the eggs :-)
I have returned to eating just one meal a day (evening). I found this so helpful before for restoring my energy levels, helping me sleep better and also losing weight. Other bodily ailments are also reduced, constipation, piles, allergies as well as avoiding the mid afternoon slump. People criticize the practice but I think if something works for you, then it works. It is also the practice of Buddhist monks and nuns and they have been doing it for over 2000 years, so I see no difference for me. I admit I did not originally find the idea from Buddhism, but from a man who wrote a blog about doing it himself
.http://hubbyshome.com/486/how-to-lose-weight-fast-eating-one-meal-a-day/
it inspired me!
I am listening to Buddhist teachings, learning about how to let things go!, how to not be so attached to things and how to meditate for a peaceful and compassionate mind. I listen to Robina Courtin and Ajahn Brahm amongst others and it has been immensely helpful to my troubled mind.
It could be argued that I am not showing compassion towards my family by not contacting them, but for now it's OK, I know now is not the right time and I need to focus more on myself and find out what most makes me happy.
Time to go build the chicken coop and enjoy the rest of the gorgeous day!
Monday, 10 March 2014
Saturday, 22 February 2014
Therapy...
For the last five weeks I have been having therapy to try and unravel my negative thoughts and chronic lack of self esteem.
I knew I needed to take action as my thoughts and feelings were becoming ever more delusional. I was losing my grip on reality and even though I knew what the root was, it was shrouded in denial and fear.
I had almost split into two people. The hard working healthcare worker, organised, functional, dilligent and unfaltering in my desire to please. The thought of making a mistake or dissapointing someone was unbearable. I just always want to get everything right to avoid something bad happening.
The other me is the hermit, still hardworking, organised and dilligent BUT with the absence of other people and fast sinking into a permanent state of depression and loneliness. I have a smattering of friends, but maybe only one I'd admit my psychological state to.
My inability to make new friends, to feel good about myself, to accept I was drowning under the influence of a hidden history made me want to kill myself...and this has been going on for years...........................so following a late night trip to A&E, I was suddenly 'plugged in' to 'appropriate assistance'
The counsellor is a man in his late 50's, quiet, calm but challenging. The first three weeks were filled with my memories as a child.
Tearful explainations, that it was normal to see your parents fighting and hitting eachother, to be bullied and manipulated in such a subtle way by your own Mother because she, not being able to cope with any stress, passed that stress onto her children. The need to please, to stop her exploding became a permanent fixture for my life.
I loved my Mother. Afterall, didn't she tell me how great she was? Didn't she ask me all the time 'Am I a good Mother?' knowing full well none of us could say 'No, you are an insendiary control freak who is so enmeshed in your own dysfunctional childhood, that you have blindly brought those terrors upon your own babies'...I think she resisted the cycle of abuse for a while, but it got the better of her in the end!
The counsellor tells me 'This isn't how a normal childhood should be' to treat your children so differently, to focus on one but not on the others. To meter out thrashings to all, if only one child was naughty and to have us all cowering in the cupboard whilst her and my Father went to war on eachother. To pussyfoot around her, never knowing which way her mood would swing or to be ignored and overlooked because she was on some weird personal mission or odyssey to find herself.
I was the quiet child, the sensitive one. These are NOT bad things to be. It isn't wrong to be shy or withdrawn. It isn't a crime to not be a dominant person but it does make you an easy target.
People tell you to 'toughen up' but they never tell the bully to reign in their terror because this little shy sensitive person cannot take it!! This subservient muted pleaser cannot cope with the rage and the fear and the terror!...it leave a terrible stain! It causes damage!
The legacy if things go the wrong way, is a person who eternally feels unable to relate on a personal level, a person who cannot establish their place in a group, so they tend to prefer being by themselves. Never feeling 'good enough' is a hard thing for people to identify with. You might feel a modicum if you miss out on a job or get dumped by your boyfriend but to be made to feel not good enough by your primary and fundemental caregiver...the person who was suppose to teach you about unconditional love in the first place is absolutely devastating!...and you hold it in, and never tell anyone...for years and years it festers until one day you realise that you missed out on the largest part of being a human being...being loved and being able to accept that love without being under duress.
I have been in denial of this for so long. I always knew it was there but for the love of my Mother I sacrificed the love of me.
I have been unable to speak to my family for almost 6 months and they have made no attempt to contact me. They probably think I have gone insane...I wasn't far off it! I know I will not resolve these issues with my Mother (not even via my Father) because I still fear her. I fear hurting her or challenging her. I fear her wrath...yes even after all this time. Sometimes it's better to just accept it's not fixable and walk away...and it's OK to do that, it's OK to break free.
My building site starts with me. I haven't looked at myself in years. All the practical stuff is there, working hard, money and home management, making sure the kids are doing OK, coming to terms with my permanent state of singlehood...but I need to be able to tell myself that I love myself more...I have to begin to believe it and that it's OK to feel those feelings about yourself.
The counsellor thinks I am hiding out and that may be so, but it's OK to stay behind the curtain if you want to, if you feel safe there...you just have to rid yourself of the guilt that you are not someone your Mother wanted you to be. I still have a lot of 'coming to terms' to deal with and I think I am now ready to do so.
I am GOOD ENOUGH! I am GOOD ENOUGH! I am GOOD ENOUGH! and it is OK
I knew I needed to take action as my thoughts and feelings were becoming ever more delusional. I was losing my grip on reality and even though I knew what the root was, it was shrouded in denial and fear.
I had almost split into two people. The hard working healthcare worker, organised, functional, dilligent and unfaltering in my desire to please. The thought of making a mistake or dissapointing someone was unbearable. I just always want to get everything right to avoid something bad happening.
The other me is the hermit, still hardworking, organised and dilligent BUT with the absence of other people and fast sinking into a permanent state of depression and loneliness. I have a smattering of friends, but maybe only one I'd admit my psychological state to.
My inability to make new friends, to feel good about myself, to accept I was drowning under the influence of a hidden history made me want to kill myself...and this has been going on for years...........................so following a late night trip to A&E, I was suddenly 'plugged in' to 'appropriate assistance'
The counsellor is a man in his late 50's, quiet, calm but challenging. The first three weeks were filled with my memories as a child.
Tearful explainations, that it was normal to see your parents fighting and hitting eachother, to be bullied and manipulated in such a subtle way by your own Mother because she, not being able to cope with any stress, passed that stress onto her children. The need to please, to stop her exploding became a permanent fixture for my life.
I loved my Mother. Afterall, didn't she tell me how great she was? Didn't she ask me all the time 'Am I a good Mother?' knowing full well none of us could say 'No, you are an insendiary control freak who is so enmeshed in your own dysfunctional childhood, that you have blindly brought those terrors upon your own babies'...I think she resisted the cycle of abuse for a while, but it got the better of her in the end!
The counsellor tells me 'This isn't how a normal childhood should be' to treat your children so differently, to focus on one but not on the others. To meter out thrashings to all, if only one child was naughty and to have us all cowering in the cupboard whilst her and my Father went to war on eachother. To pussyfoot around her, never knowing which way her mood would swing or to be ignored and overlooked because she was on some weird personal mission or odyssey to find herself.
I was the quiet child, the sensitive one. These are NOT bad things to be. It isn't wrong to be shy or withdrawn. It isn't a crime to not be a dominant person but it does make you an easy target.
People tell you to 'toughen up' but they never tell the bully to reign in their terror because this little shy sensitive person cannot take it!! This subservient muted pleaser cannot cope with the rage and the fear and the terror!...it leave a terrible stain! It causes damage!
The legacy if things go the wrong way, is a person who eternally feels unable to relate on a personal level, a person who cannot establish their place in a group, so they tend to prefer being by themselves. Never feeling 'good enough' is a hard thing for people to identify with. You might feel a modicum if you miss out on a job or get dumped by your boyfriend but to be made to feel not good enough by your primary and fundemental caregiver...the person who was suppose to teach you about unconditional love in the first place is absolutely devastating!...and you hold it in, and never tell anyone...for years and years it festers until one day you realise that you missed out on the largest part of being a human being...being loved and being able to accept that love without being under duress.
I have been in denial of this for so long. I always knew it was there but for the love of my Mother I sacrificed the love of me.
I have been unable to speak to my family for almost 6 months and they have made no attempt to contact me. They probably think I have gone insane...I wasn't far off it! I know I will not resolve these issues with my Mother (not even via my Father) because I still fear her. I fear hurting her or challenging her. I fear her wrath...yes even after all this time. Sometimes it's better to just accept it's not fixable and walk away...and it's OK to do that, it's OK to break free.
My building site starts with me. I haven't looked at myself in years. All the practical stuff is there, working hard, money and home management, making sure the kids are doing OK, coming to terms with my permanent state of singlehood...but I need to be able to tell myself that I love myself more...I have to begin to believe it and that it's OK to feel those feelings about yourself.
The counsellor thinks I am hiding out and that may be so, but it's OK to stay behind the curtain if you want to, if you feel safe there...you just have to rid yourself of the guilt that you are not someone your Mother wanted you to be. I still have a lot of 'coming to terms' to deal with and I think I am now ready to do so.
I am GOOD ENOUGH! I am GOOD ENOUGH! I am GOOD ENOUGH! and it is OK
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