This month continues to squeeze me and it feels like I still have a mountain to climb financially. The majority of spare funds this month were diverted to my youngest daughter, who has chosen to stay in Worthing until university begins again in September. She has a job in a bar, but the work has been sporadic and her student grant ran out quite a few months ago, so I and my ex husband have been keeping her afloat. It's annoying to think that she missed out on a huge lump of her student grant because she filled out the forms wrong. She stated she would be living at home, when, in fact she was living in rented student accommodation and this cost us dearly. Fortunately the same mistake has been avoided for the coming year so we can all breathe a little easier.
Because of circumstances, she has been asked to leave her current accomodation at the end of the term. Not because she didn't pay the rent, but because she had a dispute with the landlord and he has refused to renew her contract. It means we have to find another deposit to get her into somewhere new because the old deposit will not be returned until 10 days after she has moved out in September (already into the new university year) This has caused me untold stress as there is no actual sum of how much we shall need and I have had to save every penny, so that she has enough. Of course I will get some of the money back when the deposit is returned from the current landlord, but what with house and car repairs, it's all been a bit mind boggling and I do not want her to get any other loans because she cannot afford to pay them back and it could potentially turn into a fiasco!
She remains problematic, but what do I do?...abandon her? I am determined to keep her at university because we worked so hard and went through so much stress to even get her there and she needs and wants (more importantly) to see it through. I am not a pushy parent, never have been, but seeing your child so close to self destruction with drugs and observing them physically and emotionally trying to escape that hell pit...you literally will do what you have to to ensure that they do not go back!
There are many who would tell me 'She's an adult' 'She needs to sort things out herself'...and this is true, but she's an adult with emotional problems and if she were disabled in a visual way, I'd be scorned for turning my back. To me, depression and anxiety are a disability and as much as I step back and allow her space to make her own way, I am there for her 100% if she needs me and if that takes every penny I have then so be it.
I am fortunate that I do not have any nagging partner or an unsupportive family. My own Mother understands completely what is going on and also helps out when she can, even if it's just a phone call to allow my kid a firewall.
I have an older daughter also afflicted with chronic depression, but she is altogether further along the path and is learning with the help of medication and CBT, to live with her condition. She graduated uni, works (has always worked) has hobbies, knows how to budget and lives with her boyfriend...she's a good kid and is so generous in her nature towards me, never complaining that I help her little sister so much.
I have learned to manage my own depression too. I tried the medication route and found it really worked in bringing me back from the brink when I was at my worst, but I also learned to simpilfy my life and to destress myself by eradicating as much negativity from my life as I could. Setting small goals is important but not as important as giving yourself a break when things don't go to plan.
At my worst, it was a victory if I had even gotten out of bed or brushed my teeth. A few years on and now medication free, I have come to terms with myself and can function quite happily and feel positive about myself if I get through the day just doing normal stuff.
I do not want to climb mount everest, or cycle across India. I do not even want to lose weight or join a gym. Those are goals for other people. I am a home bunny, living frugally and happy, growing veg and supporting my girls. I work, keep a neatly run home and that is enough for me to cope with. Do I get lonely?...sometimes, but not as lonely as you would think.
In another few years, I may have ventured a little more 'out of the shell' but right now, where I am is fine...and I am grateful for that xx
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