Therapy...

For the last five weeks I have been having therapy to try and unravel my negative thoughts and chronic lack of self esteem.

I knew I needed to take action as my thoughts and feelings were becoming ever more delusional. I was losing my grip on reality and even though I knew what the root was, it was shrouded in denial and fear.

I had almost split into two people. The hard working healthcare worker, organised, functional, dilligent and unfaltering in my desire to please. The thought of making a mistake or dissapointing someone was unbearable. I just always want to get everything right to avoid something bad happening.

The other me is the hermit, still hardworking, organised and dilligent BUT with the absence of other people and fast sinking into a permanent state of depression and loneliness. I have a smattering of friends, but maybe only one I'd admit my psychological state to.

My inability to make new friends, to feel good about myself, to accept I was drowning under the influence of a hidden history made me want to kill myself...and this has been going on for years...........................so following a late night trip to A&E, I was suddenly 'plugged in' to 'appropriate assistance'

The counsellor is a man in his late 50's, quiet, calm but challenging. The first three weeks were filled with my memories as a child.

Tearful explainations, that it was normal to see your parents fighting and hitting eachother, to be bullied and manipulated in such a subtle way by your own Mother because she, not being able to cope with any stress, passed that stress onto her children. The need to please, to stop her exploding became a permanent fixture for my life.

I loved my Mother. Afterall, didn't she tell me how great she was? Didn't she ask me all the time 'Am I a good Mother?' knowing full well none of us could say 'No, you are an insendiary control freak who is so enmeshed in your own dysfunctional childhood, that you have blindly brought those terrors upon your own babies'...I think she resisted the cycle of abuse for a while, but it got the better of her in the end!

The counsellor tells me 'This isn't how a normal childhood should be' to treat your children so differently, to focus on one but not on the others. To meter out thrashings to all, if only one child was naughty and to have us all cowering in the cupboard whilst her and my Father went to war on eachother. To pussyfoot around her, never knowing which way her mood would swing or to be ignored and overlooked because she was on some weird personal mission or odyssey to find herself.

I was the quiet child, the sensitive one. These are NOT bad things to be. It isn't wrong to be shy or withdrawn. It isn't a crime to not be a dominant person but it does make you an easy target.
People tell you to 'toughen up' but they never tell the bully to reign in their terror because this little shy sensitive person cannot take it!! This subservient muted pleaser cannot cope with the rage and the fear and the terror!...it leave a terrible stain! It causes damage!

The legacy if things go the wrong way, is a person who eternally feels unable to relate on a personal level, a person who cannot establish their place in a group, so they tend to prefer being by themselves. Never feeling 'good enough' is a hard thing for people to identify with. You might feel a modicum if you miss out on a job or get dumped by your boyfriend but to be made to feel not good enough by your primary and fundemental caregiver...the person who was suppose to teach you about unconditional love in the first place is absolutely devastating!...and you hold it in, and never tell anyone...for years and years it festers until one day you realise that you missed out on the largest part of being a human being...being loved and being able to accept that love without being under duress.

I have been in denial of this for so long. I always knew it was there but for the love of my Mother I sacrificed the love of me.

I have been unable to speak to my family for almost 6 months and they have made no attempt to contact me. They probably think I have gone insane...I wasn't far off it! I know I will not resolve these issues with my Mother (not even via my Father) because I still fear her. I fear hurting her or challenging her. I fear her wrath...yes even after all this time. Sometimes it's better to just accept it's not fixable and walk away...and it's OK to do that, it's OK to break free.

My building site starts with me. I haven't looked at myself in years. All the practical stuff is there, working hard, money and home management, making sure the kids are doing OK, coming to terms with my permanent state of singlehood...but I need to be able to tell myself that I love myself more...I have to begin to believe it and that it's OK to feel those feelings about yourself.

The counsellor thinks I am hiding out and that may be so, but it's OK to stay behind the curtain if you want to, if you feel safe there...you just have to rid yourself of the guilt that you are not someone your Mother wanted you to be. I still have a lot of 'coming to terms' to deal with and I think I am now ready to do so.

I am GOOD ENOUGH! I am GOOD ENOUGH! I am GOOD ENOUGH! and it is OK