Yesterday was my only day off in the entire working week and I am not ashamed to say I stayed in bed for all but an hour of the day. My bedroom is minimalist and cosy. My bed a nest of soft white Cotton linen and a quilt of satin. I have a huge TV on the facing wall and together with my lap top, at times, I feel I am at the control centre of a space ship. I have been restless and watched the sun come up and go down through the same small, but beautifully dressed window. I had nothing to get up for. No other person to attend to, apart from the cat who I fed and let out into the courtyard. Other than a short walk over the recreation ground and a couple of trips to pee and make tea, I was in my bed all day.
I communicated with a few people throughout the day via the phone and e-mail. One being a person who I have been seeing for a while, 2 years to be exact. I cannot call it a relationship as I have no trust left in me. It is someone who wants to see me when they choose, being as they are out of the country for most of the time. They still date other people, it makes me feel used and I cannot contact them if I want to. The truth is that 4 fifths of their life is a mystery to me. For all I know they could have a wife on the other side of the world. I cannot really cope with this fact and the last week of attempting to contact them was ignored...
After a short angry and annoyed e-mail, I managed to completely piss them off and they me. Then came the cut off. None of my texts were answered, none of my e-mails replied to.
I was severed, I went into meltdown at precisely 10.33pm and cried for an hour. I will assume it's dead and buried.
I have dated quite a few men in the last couple of years and mostly all of them had other women in their lives who they liked more than me. That makes me wonder who I am, that I am so available to hold hands with men who's hearts lay elsewhere, but when you suffer from chronic depression, its not hard to be used and then cast aside. It's hard to change who you are.
After calming myself down, pushing some very tenebrous thoughts from my mind, I went to sleep at midnight.
Today I am on call for work and so it is back to movement and routine.
I have no doubt there will be other days in bed to come.
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