Just keep going...

Another weekend alone for me but it has not been as unproductive as usual. I am extremely broke this month, having paid the majority of my surplus to my kid for living expenses at University and pay day isn't until next Thursday.

My food stores are low, as I like to try and use up everything in the fridge and freezer before I buy more food, so I spent yesterday devising and cooking up some meals to last me until pay day.

I work full time and that coupled with my depression makes me extremely tired and unwilling to cook when I get home so I like to have meals in the freezer that I can nuke in the microwave.

Yesterday I made a bacon and mushroom risotto, using a couple of slices of smoked bacon I had in the freezer and some mushroom I bought for 50p as they were approaching their sell by date. I threw in a splash of white wine from a bottle I opened a couple of weeks ago but never finished...totally undrinkable now, but then again I am not a huge drinker. I have frozen the rest in cubes to be added to future meals.

I also made a vegetarian bolognaise using a half pack of frozen quorn mince and the rest of the mushrooms. The two pans were split into 5 meals and 4 were put back in the freezer.

I also made smome pastry from a bit of butter I had left in the fridge. I don't often make pastry and have never made it just using butter. I don't buy lard, so didn't know if the pastry would work, so I just took my time and handled it very gently and it came out brilliantly! I made jam tarts, using the end of a jar of jam I had in the fridge and also made two small rough apple pies using a couple of eating apples that were going off. Of course these only make small portions but enough for me to get through the next few days.

I also made some sultana and chocolate flapjacks using butter and honey, as I didn't have any golden syrup. I always put in a few extra sultanas as they make the flapjack more moist and chewy and when they had cooled I melted a half bar of dark cooking chocolate that I found in the store cupboard and coated the flapjacks with it before bunging it back in the fridge. I can use these for my lunches next week until pay day rolls around.
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Last night I had the most vivid and scary nightmare that I have had in a long time. I knew I was dreaming 'in' the dream and it was so real and frightening and went on and on and I could not wake myself up. I dreampt that I shot dead one of my ex's girlfriends and one of her relatives. I do not even know who she is but in my dream she was a beautiful tall brunette with a gorgeous figure. She was absolutely delightful and I can remember standing at the top of a metal fire escape and as she and her cousin walked up the stairs I shot them both dead with a pistol!!

My ex was absolutely devestated and he stood before me screaming at me, asking me why I had done it. Then I had a book in front of me of his life and I was looking through it at pictures of him as a baby and a child. It was so bizarre and I felt nothing but panic and fear. I also saw myself standing on a cliff watching the sun come up and pointing to the colours in the sky. He was beside me and he was utterly broken and forlorn and I asked him if we should jump off the cliff...and we did....

I woke up at 12.45pm, longer than I have slept for a long time. I felt the dream had lasted for most of my sleep and felt shocked that I had even dreampt it because in real life I would never hurt him or his new girlfriend and I don't really have anything to do with him anymore apart from the odd text.

I have felt horrible all day, tearful and upset and the only way I could fend it off was to clean the house and keep my mind occupied.

I have been thinking about changes I need to make in the new year. I need more help with my social anxiety. I need more support from people around me but feel so akward and ashamed to ask. I definitely need to set myself some more challenges that will get me out of the house more as all work and no play makes a person weary and boring.

Like every new year, you have to start again and just keep going.