8am Woke up to the sound of a text on my phone from a guy I used to sleep with. I'd text him a couple of days ago out of boredom and he took this long to reply. The ensuing texts were him telling me he was now in a relationship and I just thought about the few other people I have had relations with who have all found happiness in some form or another.
9am Thought on this some more and concluded that I am the lauch mat that propels certain people into the arms of loving women and it made me think that perhaps I am so vile and repellant that it spurs these men on to 'sort themselves out' or else risk getting involved with a person like me again...it's kind of funny when you think about it, only not so funny for me who has the awful realisation that I am the 'fall back' person. I don't know how to escape except to say that I should avoid men probably for the remainder of my life.
Didn't really eat today, I had no apetite and just drank several cups of tea with milk. I worry about my weight, I come from a fat family, prone to pile on the pounds and in my worst moods I could quite happily crawl into a bag of Doritos and never come out.
7pm Have cleaned the house from top to toe, scrubbed the bathroom and changed my sheets, wiped down all surfaces, washed the kitchen floor , did a laundry load and tidied everything away. I vaccumed the downstairs and set everything in the lounge back neatly into place. I also took a longish bath with Sanctuary spa bath essence which sadly didn't bubble. I feel a little hungry but do not really want to mess up the kitchen, so may make some toast later...maybe another tea will deaden the pangs.
When I was going through divorce, my weight plummetted and I was lean and boney. I remember feeling so empty at denying my body food, but in a way it felt comforting too that I had control. I think it's fair to say I verge on the masochistic in everything that concerns myself.
Being harsh on my self and denying myself is a coping mechanism, to test myself to see if I'll crack. I rely on no one for anything (asides from my job which provides my money) but everything else is organised, bought, repaired, prepared, fixed and cared for by me. I get embarrassed to ask for help and it usually ends in disaster because something goes wrong...so I dont ask.
I did enjoy my bath and so it's a night in my clean bed with the TV and maybe my Anne Rice books...I know how to push the boat out :-)
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Interesting words.
ReplyDeletePeter